Today was a good day. Then it became a bad day, like every other day. Today I relapsed. Today after 3 months of being clean I scarred myself again. Today I feel week…but because of that, today I feel strong. It’s like a punishment you see, a punishment to myself, because feeling that pain somehow tells me that I make mistakes or maybe it tells me that I need to be stronger. Today I broke one more time, and I wish more than anything that I hadn’t. But today, like every uncontrollable breakdown where nothing seems right until that blade is in my hand, touching my skin and tearing it apart. But later it all seems like a moment of weakness and then I sit here wishing that I hadn’t. One day, unlike today, I will be able to throw away the blade and stop this pain. Maybe not today, but one day I will become stronger and I will stop and I will be happy. Just not today.